


metal under tension (beggin' you to touch and go)

by an_ardent_rain



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Fake Science, M/M, Out of Body Experiences, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 12:21:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8890603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_ardent_rain/pseuds/an_ardent_rain
Summary: After an accident in Kreiger's lab, Archer and Ray switch bodies.  So naturally the first thing Archer wonders is what it would be like to have sex with himself.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zephyrprince](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zephyrprince/gifts).



> Title comes from the Kenny Loggins' song "Danger Zone."
> 
> I'm not sure this is entirely what you had in mind but I hope you enjoy it all the same! I can't write Archer without dumb humor, but the end gets a little more serious in case that's what you were looking for.
> 
> Also, I struggled A LOT deciding what to do about the voices, because I can hear their voices but I can't get the cadence of hiw they speak in the other's voice. So even though ostensibly Ray has Archer's voice and Archer has Ray's (as stated explicitly in the fic lol), you'll probably hear just how they normally sound as you read through. Ahh well. I feel like that works.
> 
> Please enjoy! I can't believe I wrote this, but it was fun to do!

09:00

“Kreiger!” Archer - at least, Kreiger thought, it was easier to think of him as Archer - pounded his fist on the glass. “Goddamnit Kreiger let me out of here right now.” 

“It’s for your own good,” Kreiger says. “And also Mallory can’t see you in here, so…”

“Oh just wait til mother finds out about this,” Archer says, looking smug. It’s good, Kreiger thinks, that it’s still easy for him to be happy. “Do you know what she’s going to do to you, Kreiger? Do you?”

“Reward me for an experiment well done?”

Ray snorts. “Yeah, right after she screams herself hoarse when she finds your secret lab. How’d you even get this built without her knowing?”

Kreiger looks down at the clipboard in his hand and writes something quickly. “It was here when I started!” He mutters. “No one else was using it…”

“Yeah, but did it have this bunker? Did it, Kreiger? This already had a pre-built, secure bunker under your normal lab, full of weird ass scientific equipment and - oh yes - a body swap ray?!”

“Oh look at that,” Kreiger says. He presses a button on the console and a single beep sounds, echoing in the metal containment room he’d politely asked them into for an examination before running out and locking it. “I can mute it.”

Archer makes Ray’s face contort into an expression of rage. His skin is flushed a deep pink, his hand in a fist against the glass of the observation window. He bangs one more time, hard, then mouths something Kreiger can’t quite make out. When I… You won’t… Mother… Fuck you… He shrugs and turns away, leaving the two men stuck until he put in the code that would open the door. It maybe wasn’t the wisest course of action for the future of a happy, problem-free workplace, but they were stuck like that until he could get the damn ray working again. And what does Archer know, anyway, it’s more technically a consciousness swap ray. He grabs it from the table where it had been lying and shook it. Something rattles around the inside. He pulls the trigger a few times but nothing happened. The LEDs wouldn’t even turn on. 

It probably only needs to charge. He pushes open the panel over the charging port and plugged it in. A red blinking light appears, flashing on and off in slow intervals. “Well,” he says to himself. “Nothing to do now but wait.” 

\---

09:45

“Does your voice always come out in this stupid accent?” Archer has a hand cupped around his jaw - Ray’s jaw - opening and closing his mouth, stretching it into different shapes.

Ray sits on the floor with his legs crossed, back leaning against the wall. He’s hunched over, his arms crossed over his chest. “Yes, Archer, that’s my voice.”

“I know it’s your voice, Ray, but I thought you just chose to sound this way. For whatever reason. It’s a terrible accent.”

“Well I’m sorry, Archer, but that’s just how I sound. And would you stop doing that with my mouth, it looks ridiculous.”

“Maybe if you shaved this moustache off. I don’t know how you stand it all the time, I already want it gone.”

Ray rolls his eyes and pulls his knees to his chest. If he tries very, very hard, he thinks, he can just wait this out without killing Archer. It’s a noble, if near impossible, goal. “I look dashing.”

“It’s not dashing,” Archer snorts. He rubs a hand over the moustache, smoothing it down. It makes your face - or my face, whatever - look ridiculous. It’s like a blond caterpillar crawling over your face.”

10:00

“Oh my God, Archer, shut up about the fucking moustache! You can’t shave it off! And even if I didn’t care if you shave it, what the hell do you think you’re going to use in here to shave it? We’ve only got these goddamn clothes and yes, I know what weapons you’ve got but I only have a gun.”

11:13

“Where’s Kreiger? I haven’t seen him in awhile.”

Ray turns over onto his stomach, pressing the side of the face he’s wearing into the floor. He sighs. Archer’s body still feels strange, like an ill-fitting suit, like bugs are crawling all over his skin but he can’t ever seem to brush them off. “You’re the one standing at the door,” he says, “why don’t you actually look for him.” 

“Jesus, Ray, I am,” Archer says, huffing. I sound really bitchy, Ray thinks with a wince. He doesn’t move from his place on the floor. “But he’s not at the table where he was working on what I assume was the thing that got us into this mess.”

“Well I sure as hell don’t know where he is. If you haven’t noticed, I’m stuck in the same damn cell as you.”

12:15

Kreiger stops by to bring them lunch. 

“We don’t want food!” Ray says pushing Archer - and his own body - out of the way as he presses himself against the door. He slams his hand against the glass. We want out of this damn place and back into our own damn bodies.”

Archer looks at him, bemused. Ray’d been taking this better than Archer had been, though that was largely because he was not a spoiled self-obsessed man child. “Uh.” Archer looked at Kreiger. “Yeah. What he said. But i’m not saying no if you brought more booze.”

“I did!” Kreiger holds up a bottle of scotch by the neck. “And it’s the good stuff. So… I hope you remember that when I tell you this.”

Ray and Archer exchange wary looks. “Why don’t you go on and tell us,” Ray says.

“Yeah, but give us the booze first. And...Hey.” Archer lights Ray’s face up with a sudden realization. He grabs at his own shoulder eagerly but Ray shrugs him off. “How’s your tolerance? Because mine’s like crazy good, and if I can get more drunk more quickly then maybe this wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.”

“Um. No,” Ray says, “this is exactly as bad as you thought it was! We are in each other’s bodies, Archer, or did you already forget that?”

Archer snorts. “I don’t know what you're complaining about. No offense, but.” He looks down at Ray’s body then back over to where Ray stood in his. His eyebrows subtly raise. “This is definitely a step up for you.”

“A step up? Jesus, Archer, really? You are in the body of an Olympic skier and i’m stuck in someone who spent his formative years getting whacked all over this stupid body playing dumbass lacrosse.”

“Hey!” Archer clenches Ray’s fist and shifts into a fighting stance. “Lacrosse isn’t stupid, you’re stupid!”

Kreiger uses their distraction to open a small hatch in the door to send in the scotch and two orders of szechuan chicken he’d brought. “Well.” He puts his hands on his hips and watches them argue for a moment. “ Now’s as good a time as any to tell you I still don’t know how to fix this. So i’m just going to go back to my lab and - “

“Wait, what?!” Ray pushes Archer back and turns his attention to Kreiger. “What do you mean you still can’t fix this? You mean i’m stuck in this body? For how long? How long do you need?”

His face contorts, snarling through the glass and Kreiger laughs nervously and takes a step back. “Um, well, I think I heard… something important calling, so…” He digs in his lab coat’s pocket. “ Smoke bomb!” And he runs back towards the elevator as a cloud of thick gray smoke appears.

Ray closes his eyes and whines. Archer meanwhile finds the little tray sticking out of the wall with their lunch. He briefly tries to stick his hand through to see if he can reach the outside, but it’s no use. 

“Just be happy, Ray,” he says, opening the bottle. “Like I told you: it’s a step up.”

12:30

“Give me the scotch.”

“No, i’m not done with it.”

“I know you’re not, Archer, since there’s still some in the bottle, but i’m not letting you have the whole damn thing.”

Ray tries to grab it but Archer pulls away. Ray elbows him and yanks it, managing to tip a swallow or two into his mouth before Archer pulls away again. Archer gives him a smug sort of smile - annoying, Ray thinks, but looking damn good - and and takes another drink. He’s pleased with himself and starts humming under his breath, the same song Ray’s been hearing all morning.

“Archer! Stop singing that same dang song!”

“It’s a classic, Ray, my God.”

“It’s just Danger Zone.”

“Just ‘Danger Zone’ Ray? And the Top Gun soundtrack on which it featured just spent five nonconsecutive weeks at number one on the charts in the summer of 1986.”

Ray lets out a long, high-pitched whine. “Dukes,” he mutters to himself.

12:45

Zona de perigo apparently means danger zone in Portuguese. Ray knows this because Archer know this, and knows how to sing the entire song in Portuguese. Which he does.

“Double dukes,” Ray mutters. 

He wonders if killing Archer’s body would just pop his own mind back where it was supposed to be.

13:30

“Stop asking, for the love of God I said no!”

“But Ray,” he says, “It’ll only - “

“Nope, don’t care,” Ray says. He plugs his ears with his fingers. “La la la la la la.”

 

Archer rolls his eyes,like he’s the mature one in this situation. “Fine, Ray, Jesus. I won’t punch you.” He gestures down towards Ray’s belly. “You punch me in the stomach and see if you feel it.”

He takes his hands off his ears. The thought of punching Archer is immensely satisfying, but whether he feels it or not Ray isn’t exactly thrilled with the idea of punching himself. “I’m not going to punch you,” he says.

“Come on, Ray, it’s not like you’d even hurt me.”

13:35

“Okay,” Archer says, on his knees wheezing. “I was wrong. You can hurt me.”

13:56

Kreiger hasn’t come back to check on them since he brought them lunch.

“Do you think he forgot about us?” Ray sighs. “I’m going to be stuck in this awful body forever.”

Whatever Archer was going to contribute to the conversation is immediately forgotten when he hears that. He frowns. “Awful?”

14:04

“Wow.” Ray’s not sure whether he should be embarrassed or not and a part of him cringes before he can stop himself. Archer stands with his hands on his naked hips looking down at Ray’s groin.

“What?” Ray asks irritably.

“I mean, I know I was good looking,” Archer says. “But Christ, look at me. I mean look at that dick. That’s my dick, Ray. My beautiful, beautiful dick.”

Not while I’m the one wearing it, Ray thinks. He crosses his arms over his chest and tries to ignore the rest of whatever ridiculous garbage is coming out of Archer’s mouth. 

Suddenly, without warning, Ray sees his own eyes light up with something he can only define as wild glee.

“Ray,” Archer says quietly. Reverently. “I think I have an idea.”

14:27

“It’s a good idea, Ray, if you would just listen. I know pain didn’t transfer, but orgasms might.”

14:50

“No, seriously, Ray, just listen…”

16:04

There’s no point fighting with someone as unyielding as a brick wall. “Okay, Archer, I’m listening.” The gleam grows brighter.

16:20

“I’M NOT HAVING SEX WITH MY OWN BODY.”

17:20

“Okay, how does it feel?”

Ray sighs and tries to ignore what’s happening to him. To both hims. “Good, I guess.”

“Well obviously it feels good, Ray, I know my own dick that well. But - “

“If you know it that well you don’t need to ask me! I’m not the one who wanted to do this in the first place!”

“But don’t you want to know what it feels like? I mean, it’s my dick, so… I can only imagine this is going to be one of the best experiences of your life. I’m sorry you’re not in your own body to feel it.”

“Archer if I was in my own body we’d just be having regular sex. With each other." He tries not to move, ignores the feeling of being inside a tight, warm body. His own body. The blond hair and broad back in front of him belong to him, and this was the weirdest fucking experience of his life.

"Oh." Archer turns that over for a second. "Okay I guess that would be weird. But come on, Ray, you can't say you'be never thought about it."

Ray snorts and tightens his grip on Archer's hips without meaning to. "Please," he says. "I'm not Lana. And if you meant have I thought about having sex with myself? God no. I literally cannot process the fact this is happening right now. I'm trying not to think about it."

"How do you think I feel?"

Ray gapes. "How you... This was your idea!"

"Well I always thought I'd be in... I don't know, Lana's body when this happened."

"Why have you imagined this scenario, Archer?"

"Because, Ray." He takes a breath. "I know I'm good at sex. Obviously."

"Not impressing me so far," Ray mutters.

"But I always wondered how good. I'm not going to say I was jealous of the women who got to fuck me, but...

Ray blinks and tries to process what he has just heard. He can't. No words can possibly describe the mix of feelings swirling around his head so he decides to not even try. Instead he looks down at the place where their bodies are joined. Seeing himself outside himself is strange enough, but his mind can rationalize it. A copy or a clone or even a twin he never knew about. Looking down at himself, at what should be his own body, and seeing unfamiliar hands, an entire cartography of unknown skin, that's what he can't wrap his mind around. His hips flex, and he pushes into the body in front of him, desperately ignoring the fact that it's his.

Archer's breath hitches.

Ray pauses. He tightens his hold and detaches himself from what he's doing. It feels good, and he knows he can make it feel even better, but it's hard to forget how weird it is. So he doesn't think about, wipes his mind of anything but the feeling coiling through his gut. And he starts to move.

"Jesus Ray, what are you - " Ray grabs a knot of blond hair and tugs, pulling Archer's head back. Archer lets out a low whine as Ray snaps his hips.

"If I'm doing this," he says, "I'm doing this right." He lets himself go, uses all the strength of Archer's well-maintained body. As wrecked as he assumes it is inside, the outside at least is pretty damn gorgeous. His hips snap harder and he pounds into the heat surrounding his dick.

"Oh shit," Archer says, breathing ragged. He sounds close to tears. "What are you doing to me? That feels... Oh sweet Christ that feels good."

"Yeah, it does," Ray breathes. He lets go of Archer's hair and hangs on to his hips as he slams into him. "You need to..." He groans. "Touch yourself, come on."

He's moaning now, hands scrabbling for purchase on the ground. "I'm not touching your dick, Ray."

"I am inside my own ass, Archer, so you're going to grab my dick and then you're going to come screaming."

18:10

When Kreiger finds them passed on top of each other, that's exactly what happened.


End file.
